If you have never listened to Christian radio, you totally should. I used to loathe contemporary Christian music, but one day while scanning channels, I heard something catchy. When I discovered I had tuned to the local Christian station, I was intrigued. I still heartily dislike hummy strummy hymns and songs in which people are encouraged to clap. However, most of the songs I have heard on this station are full of meaning and are friendly to the ears.
One of these songs, however, always had me reaching for the dial to change the station. The tune was pretty. I like the other songs the artist sings. I just could not handle the message of this one. I never mentioned this aversion to anyone and simply returned to the station a few songs later. One day, my sister in law mentioned the song in our conversation. “I really like it,” she said. “It’s not something you think about very often, but it’s so true.” I think I mumbled something in the affirmative and changed the subject.
The song, “Blessings” by Laura Story, discusses the idea that gifts from God are not always what we want or expect. They may even be the source of our greatest pains. When the song debuted on the radio, this was the last message I wanted to hear. I was experiencing a variety of acute pains, not to mention some achy chronic ones. Then along comes this sweet lady singing her pretty song about how all my problems “are mercies in disguise.” “Who does this lady think she is?” I thought. Surely, she must have the tiniest, cutest little problems. It sounds all nice and holy to praise God for the cross he has asked you to carry, but if you have the energy to sing under the weight of it, you clearly have it easy. How nice for you. Try carrying my cross some time. You won’t be singing then.
Pride is a terrible thing, is it not?
Slowly, as I learned that God has not handed me these crosses for the heck of it, I began to listen to the song a little longer each time it came on the radio.
“And all the while, you hear each desperate plea. If only we’d have faith enough to believe.”
Then, I do not remember exactly when or how, I began to understand something. God’s plans are ALWAYS the best. They are not simply whatever lies behind door number three. They are not a menu from which I can pick what I like and leave the rest. They are not even something for me to politely decline when I have better ideas in mind. No, God knows my inmost being. He already knows my desires and my pain. He is the one who cries with me like a mother who weeps when her baby gets a shot. He has already endured every pain there is, and He has not burdened me with this cross for His enjoyment.
I was reading my favorite blog the other day. The writer endured nearly six years of infertility before adopting her little girl. She now has three children, so her current posts do not speak so much to my life right now. Her archives, however, are packed with sentiments I understand all too well. How do you focus on God when the world around you is all rosy and there is a black cloud over your head? How are you supposed to feel when you do not know whether you will ever have a family? How do you keep from despairing when you are being denied your life’s calling? She speaks so eloquently to these, and I realize that I am not alone. Recently, I was reading the posts she wrote in the months leading up to the adoption of her daughter. She and her husband only found out about their little girl days before they brought her home. So, when she was writing these posts, she had no idea if they would ever have children. She expressed her sorrow over this in one entry, and I thought to myself, “Just hold on! You only have three months to go.” Hang on. Of course I knew this. I could see her whole story. When she wrote that post, that instant was the furthest she could see. The future looked bleak…like mine.
I cannot see my whole story, but there is someone who can. Not only that, He is writing it! There is someone who loves me more than I can possibly imagine who is whispering to me, “Just hold on. I have something beautiful for you, but you are not ready yet.”
“What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near?”
I am no expert at suffering. I am a sensitive little girl who cries a lot. I grow angry and impatient with God when He just won’t tell me the answers. I will sit and stew in my indignation, feeling rather justified in my anger. Then something tiny happens. Wesley makes me breakfast for no reason. My friends buy me an ice cream cake to cheer me up. A humming bird lands just outside my window. These little gifts shine with the infinite light of God. He spoils me so. Little whiny me. Then I feel silly. How could I forget that we are not asked to bear our crosses alone? He sees me. He is even bearing most of the weight for me. I only need to remain faithful.
Here is the entire song. It has always been beautiful. I pray that I can have enough faith to see that.
"Blessings"
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
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