So I was writing this lovely post yesterday about how amazing it is to me that God chooses to work through humanity. It was really great. It had a personal story, a heartwarming analogy, italicized Scripture verses. Quality bloggery.
Where is it today, you ask? Still only half done, written on scrap paper, and stuffed inside my purse. I can hardly look at it. How can I possibly write about allowing the light of God's love to shine through ordinary actions after I fought with my husband for over an hour last night?
Yeah, I don't know either.
I feel terrible. We had just begun to say our evening prayers. All my poor husband did was make an observation that struck me the wrong way. In a split second, I considered my options. I could ask him to explain himself, knowing exactly where that conversation would go. Or, I could let it go and continue with our prayers. I even thought about something I read recently on how the devil will do anything to interrupt our prayer time.
Guess which one I chose.
What did I gain by all this? We lost precious sleep, we didn't say prayers, I got to say mean things to my husband, and for the finale I cried and told him I was sorry. Overall, a well spent evening. :P What was I thinking? What good was I trying to achieve? No good came from anything we discussed. Not sure how any of that qualifies me to talk about human love being a reflection of God's love.
So, now what? Well, because God wants me to receive the full Prodigal Son treatment, there just happens to be a special Lenten confession time at Church tonight. The service is even held at a time that allows Wesley to arrive right on time for his martial arts training. Which, he says, is great because we will have time to wash dishes together before we go. Did I mention that I got to frolick in the violets and perfect sunshine with my friends? Or that Wesley snuggled me even closer last night after I yelled at him and tearfully apologized?
Until a few years ago, I did not realize how difficult it is to be in the position of the younger son from this famous parable. "How nice," I thought. "He gets to run around and do whatever he wants with no consequences. Then, everyone throws him a party when he drags his sorry behind home."
Perhaps you see where this is going.
What kind of love is this? This God of mine is not only ready to take me back, He runs to meet me where I am. He showers graces of all kinds upon me, and I do not deserve a bit of it. Even more incredibly, He chooses to send me these blessings through people and this messy physical world. God could simply shoot me a mental email of forgiveness or grant me warm fuzzy feelings without an intermediary. Instead, He bestows His love in the form of a patient husband. He gives us the phenomenal sacrament of Reconciliation to draw us back to Himself. God has no need for any of this. He can do as He pleases. What amazes me is that loving us through the physical world is what pleases Him. We reject Him through sin and are not ready for the wonders of Heaven. Yet, He cannot resist giving us little glimpses of it. And He asks us to be the bearers of this Divine Light.
So, tonight I shall go before my God and tell Him how very sorry I am for hurting His sweet heart. I already know what He's going to say, and I will spend a full lifetime wondering at this awesome, wonderful, nonsensical love.